


I wish you'd just love me for me...for who I am. Not for what they make me

by New_beginnings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Caring Castiel, Confused Sam Winchester, Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, M/M, Sad Castiel, but also kind of not, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 06:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13734765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/New_beginnings/pseuds/New_beginnings
Summary: Sam thinks that the only reason Cas cares for him is because he's important to heavens cause. Or Because Castiel's 'profound bond' is not just an exaggerated cover story the Angel used to mask his emotions for the youngest Winchester, but he is only looking after Sam because it's what Dean would do. It would make Dean happy. Or because it seemed like the right thing to do once he became human. That Cas is just too nice a person to ignore the humane morals telling him he should care for Sam. As a A fellow human. Or that the angel thought giving Sam care and affection would help purify him against his tainted blood. Drive the inner demon from under his skin...everything Castiel did had to be for the greater good. Right?Castiel decides to prove Sam wrong once and for all.





	I wish you'd just love me for me...for who I am. Not for what they make me

**Author's Note:**

> The story follows events in canon, but it also mixes different plot lines and series together if that makes sense. If you don't think you'll like it then don't read it. It's not that confusing though. Plus, you don't really need to know much about the show for this story to make sense.
> 
> If anyone's wondering, I am continuing my other story within the next two weeks, I just need a quick break.
> 
> Also please comment and kudos if you Like the story, if not please don't make a big deal of it. I do willingly accept constructive criticism though. 
> 
> Have a nice day/night/whatever (I don't know when people will be reading this)

"Why are you doing this?" Sam asked, groaning in pain as he tried to shift away from Cas and sit up from where he was positioned in bed. But before he could do any more than lift his head up and shuffle slightly to the right Castiel's hands were upon him, gentle but firm, pushing him back down and keeping him in position. 

"Because I'm you're friend...Dean and I love you...i...we, we care for you. I'm you're friend Sam." Castiel said the last part with such conviction Sam almost believed him. "So I must heal you. Which means you have to stay still!" 

Sam huffed, but obeyed, knowing his attempts were futile anyway. Cas was an Angel; he possessed strength above and beyond that of a mere human. Most of the time anyway.

"Better." Cas hummed, laying the palm of his hand on the boy's forehead to begin the healing process. "You got yourself injured quite badly back there, you'll probably be sore for the next couple of days. Next time you should be more careful: there are people who love you Sam, including me, and we don't appreciate seeing you hurt."

Sam raised an eyebrow in disbelief: no one he knew cared if he was hurt, Sam thought, they were used to it by now. Cas however, took it differently.

"Oh, uh, I didn't mean it like that! I'm sorry! I love you as a friend of course...nothing more...slip of the tongue there..." The Angel trailed off, blushing slightly, muttering under his breathe that Sam would find out if he wasn't more careful. 

Sam didn't hear, too focused on the feeling of betrayal that suddenly ran through his veins, making his newly healed body shake with sadness. Although he acknowledged that he deserved it. Always had, though it didn't stop the pain he felt whenever he was reminded. "Don't lie to me Cas! You don't care! You don't love me as brother's do...not even like a friend. You...you just don't. You may love who I'll become, in the future: what the Angels will sculpt me into to help fight their war, but you could never properly care. I'm too broken for you. My soul is tainted!" He took a deep breath before continuing "You said it yourself...I'm just the boy with the...the...demon blood. I am nothing to you." Sam chocked out. 

"Oh God no! That's not true at all! I care about you so much...and I can show it to. You just have to want it: my love. You just have to let me in. Like you did Dean. Please? Do you not want it?" Came the Angel's broken reply.

"Of course I do, you idiot! Do you think I don't want love? That I, I don't crave it, day in, day out? That my greatest wish isn't for you to love me like I once thought I deserved? I would give anything for that! I pray for it! I wish so hard...I wish you'd just love me for me...for who I am. Not for what they make me. God do I want that! I want to kiss you and hold you and I want you to LOVE me god damn it! But I never say anything Because I know it could never happen! So I keep my head down and I shut the fuck up!"

Cas was taken aback, completely silent and still as he stared in shock at the young man before him. For the next few minutes he barely even dared to breathe.

"That's it! I'm leaving! This...this is getting ridiculous!" Sam laughed hysterically, and if not for his cherry red face Castiel would have thought it was insanity, not nerves or humiliation for being caught so vulnerable, which made him react in such a way.

Sam pushed himself up to his feet, but Cas still didn't move, just continued to stare at him in shock.

It took until the youngest Winchester reached for the door handle. Then, and only then, did Castiel snap out of his trance like state to grab a hold of Sam's right wrist and pull him snug against his stomach. 

"No. No, you're wrong. I care about you so much. I would never break a promise Sam, so please believe me when I promise you this: I care and I love you. More than anything. More than even myself...You're that precious to me. You don't have to wish for my love, nor do you have to wish that I love you for who you are. I'll never force you to be anything you don't want Sam, but whatever you you choose I will love it. I swear! And...and you're right...I don't love you as a brother, or even a friend, I love you as much, much more. I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable. But now I see how you feel I'll admit it to you: I care for you as humans do their lovers. Like Adam loved Eve and as God loved his children. Intimately and without end. But unlike God's love...I will love you forever. So I beg you, just let me in! Please?" 

"But, but...but you don't! You can't"

"How can you think that Sam?" Castiel whispered, the thought of just how broken the boy was inside physically paining him, and he almost cried. " hasn't everything I've done for you since we became friends been to help you? Even if it did not seem like it at the time? And I'm so sorry for all the misjudgements I've made along the way. The things I thought would help that only led to your pain. Every second I exist I am tortured by the thought that I played a hand in you suffering. You never deserved this. So tell me how you feel! Let me in and I promise you I won't fail you again." 

"Look. I just...I can't help feeling like there's an ulterior motive behind your kindness. I know you don't deserve that shit from anyone, let alone me, but I can't help it! I'm sorry. My mind is crazy! It keeps whispering to me...poisoning me against your grace...it says: the only reason Cas cares for you is because you're important to heavens cause. Or Castiel is only looking after You because it's what Dean would do. It would make Dean happy. Or it seemed like the right thing to do once he became human. That Cas is just too nice a person to ignore the humane morals telling him he should care for You. As a A fellow human. Or that the angel thinks giving You care and affection will help purify you against your tainted blood. Drive the inner demon from under your skin...everything Cas does is for the greater good. After all, he is paired with the 'righteous man'. His profound bond with your brother will ensure him such pleasure in driving out the 'demon' inside you. Even though that demon is you. YOU ARE a monster...this will only kill you. But at least you'll die human, right? So they'll be happy."

By the end Sam was crying: fierce, loud sobs that were muffled slightly when Cas pulled his head into his shoulder, stoking his hair to comfort him. All Cas wanted was to take away Sam's pain. He would even take it on himself if he could: anything for his little human. No matter what he said, he was a person. Not a monster. No matter how long it would take Cas would show him that. He'd pick up the pieces and help rebuild Sam into what he once was: whole.

"There's no need to apologise Sam. You've been through a lot and I understand how confused that can make you feel. So please don't feel the need to apologise to me when there's nothing to be sorry for. I can help you Sam, and I will. I will prove to you that I care and we'll silence that voice in your head over time. We'll drown it out until the only thing that's left is you and me. Me and you. And the 'profound bond'? another exaggerated story to cover up how much I care for you. And you're not a demon Sam. They have no conscience. No soul. No spirit. They are filled with nothing but pain, selfishness and the willing for destruction. I may have called you 'the boy with the demon blood' when we first met, but I was so lost back then. I saw very quickly how wrong I was. How wrong everyone else was to believe such horrors about you. I have seen your compassion with my own eyes. Your tenderness and the kind heart that you save for your brother and all those you consider family. Your gentle nature and willing to forgive when others do not deserve it. Your determination to do what's right. To love and to cherish. How smart you are. Your faith, your innocence and so much more. No matter what you've done you still hold that little bubble of innocence. I've seen it when you find something new. Or when you're around children. Or when people look at you with hunger in their eyes." Cas felt a twinge of jealousy at the last part. "And no matter what you say, demons are not innocent. They're none of these things, and I compel you to trust me that you are. You are part of the good in this world. And I love you for showing me this, when I believed it could never be found. Thank you, Sam Winchester."

Sam felt light all of a sudden. He felt the tension escape his muscles at long last as he let out a shaky breath he hadn't even realised he was holding. Cas could never make up such lies to him. He must be telling the truth. He did love Sam. This was more than he could have ever hoped, and he knew he would need a while to adjust to it.

"I...I really do love you Castiel. And if you're willing to be patient with me then I'm willing to let you in. It will take a while, and I can't guarantee I'll ever get better, not completely, though I'll try. I'll try my hardest. If I'm what, what you want, then you you can have me. Just, just don't lie to me: if you realise how much of a burden I am then please leave me for your own good. Don't pretend to care."

Castiel did cry then. Silent tears falling from his eyes in one of the first psychical human emotions Cas had shown since he had turned back into an Angel. "Of course...But I'll always love you. "

Sam wasn't sure who initiated the kiss, but soon both of their hands and lips were touching, in a gentle exploration of each other's bodies, and warmth and safety and unspoken promises were exchanged. This time. This time Sam believed the conviction in Castiel's voice. And despite knowing it wouldn't last forever, he now understood that his Angel would lead him back into the light everything time he fell into the dark. And Sam was grateful for that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, i hope it wasn't that bad, and I'm sorry for any spelling/punctuation/grammar mistakes anyone finds


End file.
